Bzzzzz!

M: Yes, Colleen?

C: There’s an Elvira Nightshade on line 2.

M: Never heard of her. Have her go to the site & fill out an app.

C: Yes, sir.

Bzzzz!

M: Yes?

C: She says that you are already her agent & she wants to talk to you, now.

M: Really? Ok, I’ll take the call.

C: Yes, sir. Line 2.

M: Hello? Ms. Nightshade?

E: Manny, you have to do something about the uniform.

M: Brisia! How’s it going sweetheart?

E: Not Brisia. You had me change my name, remember? I can’t believe I let you guys legally change my name to Elvira Nightshade.

M: That’s right, & a lovely name it is, Elvira. So, what’s happening kitten?

E: It’s the uniform. It’s not fair.

M: What do you mean it’s not fair?

E: Well, the drivers get a helmet, elbow pads, knee pads, & forearm pads.

M: Uh-huh.

E: The chain gets padding from the back of the hand to the shoulder, padding from the top of the ankle to above the knee, & the helmet has a face plate.

M: She should be well protected.

E: Yeah, that’s just it. As the qwik, all I get is a corset & a pair of shorts. A corset & pair of shorts against hockey sticks & a chain with a 1 kilo metal ball on the end. It’s not right, Manny.

M: How are the ears, kiddo?

E: The ears? Oh, they’re ok. The stitches come out tomorrow. I miss having ear lobes. How am I supposed to wear earrings without ear lobes?…. Anyway, you’re changing the subject. What about my uniform? I’ll get killed out there wearing that.

M: Sweetheart! You’re the star, the qwik. You’ve got the speed to slip past them.

E: Speed? Have you seen the shoes? They’re high heels for goodness sake. How am I supposed to run 50 meters in the grass in high heels?

M: It’s not grass, kiddo. It’s carpet. We’re playing indoors.

E: Have you ever tried running in high heels, Manny? It’s not for the faint of heart, you know. I want sensible running shoes & a helmet!

M: Kiddo! Sweetheart! Elvira. The uniforms are the best ones selected by the focus groups. And they all agree that the uniform is you, baby.

E: Focus groups? Who were on these focus groups…. teenaged boys? Or louts from the strip club? My uniform is little more than underwear!

M: You’re the star, baby. People want to see your pretty face on the jumbo-tron. Besides, it’s in the rules not to hit the qwik in the head or face. Just like in the old league, there’s a fine & suspension for doing so.

E: Just like the old league? HA!…. Manny, in case you’ve forgotten, Greta Kachowski hit me in the face with a folding chair! The league fined her & some “fan” paid the fine for her. They also paid her while she was suspended. I had to have reconstructive surgery! I missed the same number of games that she missed. Only, she made money while I had to learn how to eat again.

M: Look on the bright side, that little nose of yours has never looked cuter.

E: Go to hell, Manny. I want a helmet.

M: I’m sorry, kitten, but there’s no helmet in the contract.

E: There’s no gun in the contract, either.

M: Gun?

E: I’m going to shoot you, if I don’t get a helmet.

M: Baby?

E: I’m going to shoot you where it hurts, Manny.

M: You don’t need a helmet, honest, kitten.

E: It’s a big gun with big bullets, Manny.

M: Ok, ok. I’ll call Thorsson & the owners & get you a helmet.

E: And decent running shoes?

M: (sigh) And running shoes. Anything else for you, kitten?

E: No, that’ll be fine. You’re the greatest, Manny!

M: Anything to make my clients happy, sweetheart…. Anything to keep Mrs. Liebowitz’s son, Manny, from getting shot.