M: Yes, Colleen?
C: There’s an Elvira Nightshade on line 2.
M: Never heard of her. Have her go to the site & fill out an app.
C: Yes, sir.
C: She says that you are already her agent & she wants to talk to you, now.
M: Really? Ok, I’ll take the call.
C: Yes, sir. Line 2.
M: Hello? Ms. Nightshade?
E: Manny, you have to do something about the uniform.
M: Brisia! How’s it going sweetheart?
E: Not Brisia. You had me change my name, remember? I can’t believe I let you guys legally change my name to Elvira Nightshade.
M: That’s right, & a lovely name it is, Elvira. So, what’s happening kitten?
E: It’s the uniform. It’s not fair.
M: What do you mean it’s not fair?
E: Well, the drivers get a helmet, elbow pads, knee pads, & forearm pads.
E: The chain gets padding from the back of the hand to the shoulder, padding from the top of the ankle to above the knee, & the helmet has a face plate.
M: She should be well protected.
E: Yeah, that’s just it. As the qwik, all I get is a corset & a pair of shorts. A corset & pair of shorts against hockey sticks & a chain with a 1 kilo metal ball on the end. It’s not right, Manny.
M: How are the ears, kiddo?
E: The ears? Oh, they’re ok. The stitches come out tomorrow. I miss having ear lobes. How am I supposed to wear earrings without ear lobes?…. Anyway, you’re changing the subject. What about my uniform? I’ll get killed out there wearing that.
M: Sweetheart! You’re the star, the qwik. You’ve got the speed to slip past them.
E: Speed? Have you seen the shoes? They’re high heels for goodness sake. How am I supposed to run 50 meters in the grass in high heels?
M: It’s not grass, kiddo. It’s carpet. We’re playing indoors.
E: Have you ever tried running in high heels, Manny? It’s not for the faint of heart, you know. I want sensible running shoes & a helmet!
M: Kiddo! Sweetheart! Elvira. The uniforms are the best ones selected by the focus groups. And they all agree that the uniform is you, baby.
E: Focus groups? Who were on these focus groups…. teenaged boys? Or louts from the strip club? My uniform is little more than underwear!
M: You’re the star, baby. People want to see your pretty face on the jumbo-tron. Besides, it’s in the rules not to hit the qwik in the head or face. Just like in the old league, there’s a fine & suspension for doing so.
E: Just like the old league? HA!…. Manny, in case you’ve forgotten, Greta Kachowski hit me in the face with a folding chair! The league fined her & some “fan” paid the fine for her. They also paid her while she was suspended. I had to have reconstructive surgery! I missed the same number of games that she missed. Only, she made money while I had to learn how to eat again.
M: Look on the bright side, that little nose of yours has never looked cuter.
E: Go to hell, Manny. I want a helmet.
M: I’m sorry, kitten, but there’s no helmet in the contract.
E: There’s no gun in the contract, either.
E: I’m going to shoot you, if I don’t get a helmet.
E: I’m going to shoot you where it hurts, Manny.
M: You don’t need a helmet, honest, kitten.
E: It’s a big gun with big bullets, Manny.
M: Ok, ok. I’ll call Thorsson & the owners & get you a helmet.
E: And decent running shoes?
M: (sigh) And running shoes. Anything else for you, kitten?
E: No, that’ll be fine. You’re the greatest, Manny!
M: Anything to make my clients happy, sweetheart…. Anything to keep Mrs. Liebowitz’s son, Manny, from getting shot.